Posted by on December 25, 2019 7:00 am
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Categories: µ Newsjones

Match the obnoxious, horrendous or merely outlandish quotes to the wanton, scandalous or merely unconventional celebrity

It was a vintage year for Spice Girls fans, as the band re-formed for a sell-out Britain and Ireland tour. But which of the following statements did Scary Spice, AKA Mel B, not make in 2019?

“Can the CEO of Tesco Food Dave Lewis please contact me urgently?”

“She is going to hate me for this because she is all posh in a country house but it wasn’t a ‘thing’, it just happened, we just giggled at it and that was it.”

“Nothing comes between me and my leopard-print sheets.”

“Lock up yer sons! Lock up yer daughters! I’ll have everyone!”

“I may never, never have made bold political or cultural statements before, because my gift is the warmth I live my life with and the self-reflection I share generously.” OK, we get it – we don’t deserve you. Who bestowed us with their munificence in 2019?

Lady Gaga

Lana Del Rey

Gemma Collins

Rylan Clark-Neal

“People think I’m a cannibal. I’ve never done that.” Which celebrity doth protest their non-human-flesh-eating credentials too much?

Marilyn Manson

Shia LaBeouf

Elon Musk

Ozzy Osbourne

“Yes my tattoo says: ‘Don’t loose who you are in the blur of the stars.’ Yes they are MY lyrics from my song Who You Are. Yes that I wrote. Yes I spelt the tattoo wrong. Yes I repeat it’s spelt wrong. Yes I got it done in Essex. Yes the tattoo artist didn’t mention it. Yes I was 18 … Don’t @ me.” Which celebrity wasn’t in the mood for a public drubbing for their poorly spelled tattoo?

Zayn Malik

Jessie J

Justin Bieber

Rita Ora

Crunch, crunch. “I want to eat a fried spider,” announced which best-selling musician to her 8 million Twitter followers in September?

Cardi B

Azealia Banks

Britney Spears

Rihanna

Which of these quotes did Boris Johnson not write this year in one of his Telegraph columns?

“I tell you this – there will be Mars bars, and there will be drinking water.”

“Speculation about the number of children I have is completely unfounded.”

“This was the Friday when Charles Moore’s retainers were meant to be weaving through the moonlit lanes of Sussex, half blind with scrumpy, singing Brexit shanties at the tops of their voices and beating the hedgerows with staves. This was meant to be the week of Brexit.”

“Like Tantalus in Hades, we can see the opportunities in front of us – the luscious grapes, the refreshing stream – and yet every time we reach out to grasp them we find they are whisked away.”

“I shaved, and I wiped my arse, and paid other people to do everything else for me.” Which celebrity revealed the extent of their outrageous divadom in 2019?

Stevie Nicks

Lindsay Lohan

Mick Jagger

Elton John

“Look guys. It’s no big deal. I’m just a very good photographer. I capture real moments, that’s all. The composition? Is it breathtaking? Of course. But I can hardly take credit. First, I wanna thank God. Next, I must credit the makers of the iPhone. Portrait mode. Am I right? … The photo speaks for itself.” Who was exceptionally modest about their photography skills this fourth of July?

Donald Trump

Kanye West

Miles Teller

Chris Pratt

“In this era I could hardly take a bad picture. And all my clothes were fabulous and I loved them and I spent pretty much all my time naked.” Which celebrity was brimful of confidence in this 2019 Vogue interview?

Cher

Dolly Parton

Goldie Hawn

Grace Jones

“I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.” Pioneering experimental therapy or stoner in-joke – who had us scratching our heads this year?

Grimes

Gwyneth Paltrow

Mark Zuckerberg

Travis Kalanick

8 and above.

Congratulations! You undoubtedly spend far too much time online and should really consider implanting a polymer in your eye to cut out the pesky blue light from all that screen time.

0 and above.

Appalling. Report to Committee Chief Lorraine Kelly for mandatory re-education.

4 and above.

B+. A forgetful showing. Where have you been this year? Don’t say Pizza Express Woking – no one will believe you.

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